What’s Up With That? Pato Shi

It’s time for round 4.

These are a few of my least favorite things!

Pajama Public Peoples – Seriously? Are you THAT lazy that you couldn’t take the extra 3 minutes out of your day to change into presentable clothing for the public?

And don’t give me any BS about, “I don’t care what people think. I’m an individual and do what I want!”

No, you’re not! You obviously care what people think because you want them to think you are your own person. You want people to think you don’t care, that you’re fighting the man, rebelling against the status quo of society.

Well, guess what? You did that, jackass! You’re just too cool for this planet with your plaid pajama pants and “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Grumpy” night shirt. Woo-hoo!

Organized Dancing – I get nervous when the Cha Cha Slide comes on, or when I hear the Cupid Shuffle, Electric Slide, or any dance that requires rhythmic/robotic moves.

I’m a free soul. I’m a maniac on the dance floor (after a couple of drinks). You can’t cage this beast once he wants to dance. I want to move like Jagger, not follow the same steps as everyone else. That’s not dancing; that’s following directions, and it’s for the weak individuals who would otherwise never dance.

Dancing is feeling the beat and just grooving. Dancing is not sliding to the left, then the right, then stomping three times and spinning around to do it again.

The next time you’re at a wedding or party, take a step back when one of these songs comes on and just watch. Watch the robots on the dance floor. It’s quite comical.

But don’t get me wrong; if you catch me at a wedding, I’ll be on the dance floor following directions OVER and OVER again, laughing with my friends as I think it’s a great song, adding my own variations as everyone laughs, only to have the song end, the next song come on and I head immediately to my seat…Or to the bar; whatever gets me away from actually dancing.

People that say “I Say What’s On My Mind” – No, you don’t. Drop the tough guy front and realize that if you are someone who says what’s on their mind, then you have no regard for other people’s feelings.

Speaking your mind does not garner you respect, nor does it make you a desirable person, rather it makes you an individual where people don’t want to act themselves around you because they are afraid of what you would say.

Granted those people are lacking the self-confidence to be comfortable with themselves; but that’s beside the point.

Congratulations on making people feel fake around you, only allowing yourself to think that you’re the coolest kid in town with your “I Don’t Give a Shit” attitude. We’re all applauding your efforts to be biggest jackass in the world; and it’s obvious you’re well on your way!

Contestants on Competition Reality Shows Who Tell the Audience they are Competing for a Dying Loved One – It’s been done, many times…PLEASE stop. We’ve all had loved ones die, we’ve had the support from our friends and family, we don’t need an entire country to mourn/support us and trick us into voting for you. THANKS!

Upside Down 8’s on Gas Station Prices’ Signs – The little circle on the eight goes up, the big circle is on the bottom. That’s why they make them that way, people.

Regards – RJ

What’s Up With That? Pato San

It’s time for round 3.

These are a few of my least favorite things!

New Year’s Resolutions – Let’s be real for a second…New Year’s resolutions should be renamed to, “Things I Plan to Fail at in the New Year!” I get it. Trust me, I do. I understand the idea of “New Year, new you.” It’s a great concept! But unfortunately, it fails to mention a couple of hidden dangers.

In order for this “new you” to happen, there has to be a lifestyle change. And when you follow the crowd and try this lifestyle change by hitting the gym more often or eating healthier, along with the millions of other people, you’re setting yourself up for failure.

Why do that to yourself? Here’s a suggestion: DON’T make any resolutions for the New Year! If you do, enjoy feeling sorry for yourself with a tub of Chunky Monkey on the sofa every night during the third week in January, when your resolution has failed and you’re self-loathing.

Again, resolutions are a great concept; just don’t make them at New Year’s! The stigma around it is over-hyped and over-played, which is why we feel like we get right back in the rut of our everyday existence as soon as we fail at it.

Just don’t do it. Wait until February or March. Take it one day at a time; one change at a time and you will find much more rewarding results. Trust me; I used to watch Doogie Howser, M.D., so that makes me qualified to make that statement.

Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for “Insert Politician Here” Stickers – Nothing says, “I blame my problems on everyone else” like one of these stickers. It’s basically saying that you don’t accept any responsibility for what’s happening in your life, everyone else is to blame, and when push comes to shove, you’re throwing them under the bus!

This is the same person that will jump back on the bandwagon as soon as things are going great. They’ll complain when they don’t get their way, regardless of who’s at fault, and cheer when they do get their way. They are selfish individuals with no regard to their own stupidity, which is obvious, because they tell the world unknowingly with their bumper sticker.

They’ll be the first to tell you they love this country, usually using this statement as a precursor or some disclaimer to air out a laundry list of all the things they hate.

I have an idea; tell it to someone who actually voted for the same guy you did, so you can get together and bash a country that’s given you so much, and complain when you get so little. But to organize a meeting would mean you would need some logistical sense, which you are probably lacking due to the fact you voted for the person no one else did.

But, hey…It’s not your fault, right?

Transformers Movie Franchise – I know everyone has picked up some chatter through the wire regarding the FBI changing the definition of rape. If you haven’t, let me fill you in. At first, it didn’t include the physical act of rape against males, so they added that action. And after further thought, the FBI decided to spare all of humanity who enjoy bad-ass action flicks and also added ANY viewing of the Transformers movies after the first movie in the franchise.

Many were shocked at the addition to the definition. But after the hoopla settled down, all agreed. We were all hooked on the first Transformers movie. It was big explosions, a pretty lady, transforming robots, and things of that nature. To see a childhood cartoon on the big screen blew our minds!

The first movie was awesome. The second movie pulled down our pants. And the third movie pretty much pulled a Jerry Sandusky on us all. Not cool, Michael Bay…Not cool at all!

90s Music – Seriously? The best thing to come out of the 90s was All-star by Smash Mouth? Seriously? The Macarena?

The list of terrible music from these years goes on and on. But what’s crazy about this list is I know every song from this era of music since I grew up with it. It was the music of my generation; a musical generation that was so undefined it made the 80s music sound like the second coming of The Beatles, only to go through their heightened popularity again and relive the break-up, better known as 90s music.

There was no identity to 90s music. It was just…Blah. It was music that when heard, made men and women across the nation consider suicide as a way out of this place. I’m pretty sure there were several deaths related to the listening of Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It by Will Smith. No need to check sources on this one, just trust me. And if you believe that, you’ll also know that The Sign by Ace of Base was used for interrogation and torture purposes during the Gulf War.

Granted there were some gems that came out of the mid 90s to early Millennium, but most of it in my opinion was Garbage, just like the band. You can’t tell me there was any legitimacy to Aerosmith’s sell-out song for the movie Armageddon, Creed being serious about music, Enya having a top-selling album, that you actually enjoyed Barbie Girl because of its “new sound” (not because of the name), or that “Pissing the night away” was a fun thing to sing?

And please don’t belabor me with the Backstreet Boys, N’SYNC, and other bands about how they paved the way for today’s music, because today’s music (for the most part) sounds like a horde of goats being slaughtered by pack of rabid sheep screaming for their lives after a night of ecstasy and vuvuzela blowing.

Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson – Nothing says you’re proud to live a frowned upon lifestyle (in my opinion), like this song. It’s an anthem for a small, proud group of people to tell the upper low, middle and high-classes; “Damn right, I’m proud to be a redneck!”

Are you really? Do you like being considered a poor and uneducated individual? Does it make you mad that by accepting this stereotype, you’re doing nothing for yourself but having babies with your family, killing deer for fun, driving a gigantic truck because you live on a road that isn’t paved? Cow tipping? Wearing flannel shirts? John Deere tractors? Dipping Copenhagen? Praising Shooter Jennings, Alabama and the horse they all rode in on?

The list of stereotypes goes on and on!

This song by Gretchen Wilson is just terrible. So terrible that I had it banned from the playlist at the Wedding of the Century. It aspires to do nothing for a group of people that aren’t inspired to do anything. It was a quick and cheap way for Gretchen Wilson to tap into a market that’s proud of their selves and have a hit (if you want to call it that). It basically took every single stereotype that exists for rednecks and ran it through the country music wormhole to make a hit; and we all know that if Honkey Tonk Ba-Dunk-a-Dunk (also banned at the wedding) can become a hit song, ANYTHING is possible!

And the rednecks love it!

Regards – RJ

What’s Up With That? Pato Ni

It’s time for round 2.

These are a few of my least favorite things!

The Alpha Male – I can hear them now, “Oh, hey brokowski! Let’s pump some iron, go tan, spike our hair and pop our collar.” It just seems like you can’t get along with an alpha male. You want to watch Glee; they want to watch American Gladiators. You want to listen to John Mayer; they want to Beat that Beat Up with DJ Pauly D. You can’t win with an alpha male because they are programmed to win. And to them, you’re programmed to lose.

They are juiced up individuals high on ego and low on love. They won’t show you love or give you love, it’s a one way street. You either love them or hate them, or love to hate them while they beat you up in the process.

“Look how jacked and tan I am! I need a Four Loko because I’m about to get stupid! And guess what? I’m right about everything I say and I love kickin’ it with my brochachos! Pound it here, brother, because I’m going to throw on my Guess sunglasses and cruise at 65 in my Scion! For sure!”

About that…

Bud Light – Why drink it? It doesn’t taste like beer, it doesn’t look like beer, and it’s a disgrace to all things beer. If you are trying to watch your figure and count calories, don’t drink beer. If you want to pace yourself because you can’t run with the wolf pack and drink light beer, switch to something with a little more taste; perhaps a Sam Adams Light or Yuengling Light. Don’t buy into the horrible advertisements that pound you over the head with a mediocre attempt at comedy that’s been used since the “What’s Up?” campaign; find a beer that tastes like a beer.

If not, preserve your dignity and play it smart, don’t drink Bud Light, just drink carbonated water. It pretty much tastes the same!

Antique Photos – Why get them done? They are the biggest waste of time and money on this Earth! Is it really cool to grab a fake gun and wear an outfit that you wouldn’t be caught dead in to take a sepia picture? Is it?

The answer is no, it’s not cool. It’s the least cool thing you could do because EVERYONE has done it. And I mean everyone; babies, teenagers, couples, families, dogs, old people, robots, you name it. It’s the worst thing you could do to yourself.

First, you have to take time out of your vacation and schedule an appointment at one of these places. Then, you get to feel really special and select the item of clothing you want to wear. If that doesn’t do it for you, then perhaps a tasty fake bottle of gin will get your juices flowing!

“Let’s take a picture like we live in the 1920s! Everyone will get a kick out of it!” No, they won’t enjoy looking at your awkward picture because it’s stupid…And it’s been done too many times. Get over yourself and take a pic with modern clothes on, a real bottle of gin, in color, and post it on Facebook! It would be way cooler .

Car Dedications – It really bothers me to see back windshields dedicated to a deceased loved one. I know people mourn in different ways, but this way has to stop. I’m sure your grandfather is happy to know that: A) He’s dead, B) Everyone knows it, and C) He has a 1987 Chevy Astro Van windshield dedicated in his honor.

I don’t understand why people need every person on the road to know someone they loved has died. What are you trying to get out of it?

Call me evil or put a D in front of it, but car dedications are a shameless attempt at sympathy attention. But hey, if you need other people to know the exact dates of your loved ones birth and death, then by all means, go for it.

You should even take it a step further and get a tattoo on your forehead, write a book about it, or go through each number in the phone book to inform your county of the passing; you know, things of that nature!

On that note, bring on the comments!

Regards – RJ