Did you know that I took Japanese in college? True story.
This post will be the first installment of many. There are a lot of things that aggravate me in this world! Seriously, a lot! I’m sure many of the things I will discuss aggravate you as well. Isn’t that lovely? We have something in common!
However, before I begin, let’s be real. I think all blind dates should begin by having each person spell out the top few things that bother them. That way, you get to bypass the BS and get to the purpose of the date, fornication (just joking Mom, I really meant talking).
Without further ado…Pause, I actually hate that phrase because it sounds dumb. Rewind…Ladies and gentlemen, here are a few things that annoy me so much, they make me want to open Internet Explorer, navigate to the WordPress website, log-in to my account and post a new blog about it.
Displaced Jaw Gum Chewing – I love gum so much that I have several different flavors on me at any given time. I like to think that 5 calories are better for me than cigarettes. Growing up, I was always taught to chew with my mouth closed. Like any logical thinking kid, I assumed this was to be the case when chewing gum as well. Even if it was an entire roll of Bubble-tape, or a pack of Big League Chew, you chewed your gum with your mouth closed!
I’m not sure how some adults nowadays missed that memo! It really bothers me when I pull up next to a car at a stop light on a beautiful summer day, only to have it ruined by someone who is unlocking their jaw in a right to left motion to chew on a stick of Winterfresh! Seriously, a stick of gum doesn’t require you to break your own jaw just to chew it! Do you have mad cow disease or something? I can only imagine the sounds inhabiting that car: slapping of the gums, saliva flowing around the mouth, your cheeks and tongue slapping into each other like two pieces of raw meat. Doesn’t it hurt to move your jaw like that?
Championship Ice Crunching - I love going to the movies! It’s something Melissa and I love to do. We look forward to ordering a small popcorn without any of that artery-clogging butter and sharing an ice-cold soda. Once we’re done with the soda, we sit it in our cup holder and let the ice melt while we enjoy Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3-D.
Sadly, that’s not the case for every moviegoer. There’s a select few of gifted individuals who have the uncanny ability to eat every piece of ice in an extra-large soda cup, just when the movie’s getting to the best part. They tip their cup and give it a good shake for 15 seconds until they get that one piece of ice that tastes better than the other. Slow down guys, it doesn’t stop there! Then they proceed to munch on this piece of ice because for some odd reason, they’re not satiated after drinking an entire Coke. And we all know that it’s hard to eat ice with your mouth closed, so of course they have to open it.
“I know who murdered me. It was…It was…” CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH. Guess I have to wait for Netflix!
VIP Movie Attendee - While we are on the topic of the movies, another thing that makes my ears want to seal up like Neo’s mouth in the Matrix is people who talk on their cell phone during a movie! More specifically, teenage kids who are still trying to figure out how to be cool while using their family share minutes. Guess what? Talking to their friend on their cell phone that’s sitting three rows in front of them is not cool! They have to be at least four rows in front!
“Hey, no I can talk now, I’m just watching this Oscar nominated movie.” Seriously, they need to realize that they’re not the most important person in the movie theater. Although, that may be tough for them to understand since their mind is set on making plans for a sleepover after the movie.
Focus Junior, or you’re going to use up your Momma’s minutes.
Bowl Tappers – When normal people eat a bowl of cereal, it’s customary to eat it with respect! It’s important that you delicately guide your spoon through the milk, scooping up a pile of Fruity Pebbles and taking a bite of your hearty breakfast. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in most countries for the spoon to hit the bowl more than two times. At least in the US, if you tap the bowl with your spoon or scrape it across the bottom in a fluid motion for several seconds, special secret agents will show up at your door and confiscate your breakfast. Don’t you know they’re always after your Lucky Charms? Sorry, that was a feeble attempt at a joke.
Luckily, Melissa doesn’t eat cereal too often and when she does, she isn’t a bowl tapper. She has learned the delicate art of eating a bowl of cereal correctly. For those who haven’t, University of Phoenix is offering a class. You can learn how to hold the spoon, dip it into your bowl, scoop up your cereal and things of that nature.
Until then, stick with toast!
Regards – RJ