Ah, yes. The Eggnog Disaster of Hairy Side-Spitting Troll Island. I remember it like it was 254 days, 12 hours, 36 minutes, and 19 seconds ago!
There we were. Surrounded by the ancient Eggnog tribe of Troll Island. But this wasn’t your ordinary Eggnog tribe; at least not like the ones you read in the history books. No. This was an Eggnog tribe with one specific talent. A skill-set unlike any other Eggnog tribe in the western hemisphere. They were hairy side-spitters!
In the early 1900’s, a young man by the name of John Jacob Jingleshmurfen set out on an adventure to discover the Eggnog tribe; more specifically of the hairy side-spitting variety.
Born and raised in Decatur, Georgia, John Jacob Jingleshmurfen yearned for adventure at birth.
His mother, Judy Jacob Jingleshmurfen, read him stories before bed about adventure. Far-off adventures to Troll Island and the mythical, undiscovered, Eggnog tribe.
“One day, John,” his mother would read. “Maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to discover them for yourself.”
It was this passionate love from his mother that fueled his exploring desire. A desire that pushed him to Troll Island. A desire that ultimately led to a New York Times’ bestseller: The Eggnog Tribe – An Introspective Look into the Life of a Hairy Side-Spitter.
It was Ben’s favorite book growing up. A book that his mother would read to him over and over again. Every night. In bed. Dreaming of a life among the hairy side-spitting Eggnog tribe.
“What’s a hairy side-spitter?” Ben would ask his mother.
“Well, Benjamin, if you’re lucky, perhaps you can discover them one day for yourself!”
And so Ben did. He read the stories in The Eggnog Tribe – An Introspective Look Into the Life of a Hairy Side-Spitter, the book by John Jacob Jingleshmurfen, but he had to discover for himself.
With $5 in his pocket and a bride with a paper-ring, Ben set out on the adventure of a lifetime!
“Kate, I really appreciate you embarking on this adventure to Troll Island with me,” Ben said softly to his new wife. “If we do discover the Eggnog tribe, specifically the hairy side-spitters, it brings me comfort knowing that I discovered them with the woman I love!”
“I love you too, Ben. Now let’s get this boat off the dock and out of town!”
“Hey! HEY!” A voice rang loudly from the footsteps of the pier. “HEY!”
Two figures appeared from the fog with cinnamon sticks and drinking glasses in their hand.
“Is that, Melissa and RJ?” Kate asked.
“HEY, wait for us, guys!”
“Mel! RJ! How the hell are you?” Ben yelled with excitement.
“If you’re going to discover the Eggnog tribe of Troll Island, specifically the hairy side-spitters, I want in,” RJ snared.
“You got it, gang!” Ben said.
And so they set sail to Troll Island in hopes of discovering the Eggnog tribe; more specifically the Eggnog tribe of the hairy side-spitting variety.
This particular evening on the sea seemed different. The fog settled lightly on the sea as a breeze whisked in from the west. The smell of the holiday season was in the air.
“We must be close,” Ben uttered.
And right he was. Troll Island was no more than 200 yards ahead.
Ben steered the boat into position. The wind was working against the boat, but it was no matter. Ben navigated to the shore like a salt-water boss.
The boat crashed onto the unforgiving shoreline with a loud thud. A thud so loud that it didn’t go unnoticed among the locals.
“What’s that sound?” Mel said with a hint of fear slowly drowning her voice.
“It’s…It’s…It’s the Eggnog tribe; more specifically, the Eggnog tribe of the hairy side-spitting variety!” Ben screeched.
There we were. Surrounded by the ancient Eggnog tribe of Troll Island. The hairy side-spitters.
“Quick, Mel, grab my glass from the boat!”
Melissa rushed over to the nautical vessel and grabbed both glasses, cinnamon sticks in-hand.
“Toss me the glass, babe. I must have a taste!”
With his glass in-hand, RJ crept up quietly behind the Eggnog tribe. As quiet as a mouse. Quiet. Quieter. No sound.
He reached his glass out to the side of the Eggnog tribal members.
“Oh my god, I got some! I got some!” RJ yelled with as much excitement as Sandusky at a Chuck-E-Cheese.
Ahhhh, the sweet smell of Eggnog, directly from the hairy side-spitting tribal members of Troll Island. RJ was the first to taste the Eggnog, and the last.
With a quick gulp, RJ clinched his hands around his throat, let out a blood curdling scream, and fell to the shore.
“RUN!” Kate yelled. “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!”
Ben, Kate and Melissa ran back to the boat in a mad-dash for their life.
“Don’t look back guys, he’s dead,” Ben said.
The hairy side-spitting Eggnog tribe was close behind, but the boat was closer. With a last hurrah effort, Ben, Kate and Melissa made it safely back to the boat.
“That was unbelievable,” Ben mumbled to himself. “I read the stories, but I didn’t think they were true! I’m in complete shock!”
Everyone was shocked. They just lost their best friend to a tribe that was thought to be extinct. Even non-existent to modern scholars!
They set sail back to the mainland. They were tired and full of fear, but they had at least a day at sea ahead of them.
Troll Island quickly became a distant piece of land on the horizon, and they tried to make it a distant thought.
“What’s that smell?” Kate asked.
It was the smell of the holiday season. A scent that seemed all too familiar for the trio. A scent that brought back the memory of Troll Island.
“You don’t think one of the Eggnog tribal members of the hairy side-spitting variety made it back to our boat, do you?” Mel asked.
Regards – R.L. Bean